To All The Boys Who Liked Me Before

This is not a review of the popular Netflix movie starring Lana Condor and Noah Centineo, or it's sequel. No, this is about me; my high school crushes, the missed chances, failed confessions and unrequited love.

I am a hopeless romantic and I blame James Cameron (Titanic and Avatar), Danielle Steel (Jewels, Silent Honour and Mirror Image) and Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion, Sense and Sensibility and Emma) for ruining my life. I have been waiting for my knight in shining armour (or just Colin Firth) to come rescue me (more like buy me a tall latte decaf with soy milk).

In my hopelessness I realise that for years I have been dismissive of love, searching in the wrong places and may have hurt people or been misunderstood. So in true Judy Blume style I wrote a letter to all the boys who liked me before, in an apologetic way. It is part of my What is Love series - there will be more posts to come on this subject.

To The Boys Who Liked Me Before:

To the first one who confessed in front of the school library (I am sorry). You wrote such a lovely confession and I thoughtlessly laughed it off. You were persistent still, you cornered me in the corridors of our school and said you loved me; I was gentle this time. I hugged you and told you I don't love you (I am sorry).

To the one who has loved me the longest (I am sorry). I knew you loved me but I kept you at arms length; drawing you in and then pushing you away as and when it suited me (I am sorry). You have been consistent over the years, I've seen it in your eyes but I look away and dismiss your love. I am such a tease! How'd you put up with me?

To the one who loved me briefly; you confessed at a party and I made a mockery of your love and feelings and walked away (I am sorry).

To the one who loves me now ( I am sorry). I cannot love you the way you love.

I do not have the heart to love. I wish I could break my heart in two for you but that wouldn't be enough.

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to understand what is love.

What is love to me?

It is the unconditional, unequivocal and irrevocable love I have for myself. I had to discover that first before I could share a part of me with anyone. I loved you all but not in the way you wanted and needed to be loved because I did not love myself, so how can I pour from an empty cup?

To my future love, I hope by the time we meet (in true fairytale style) I will be mature enough both spiritually and mentally to accept the love you give and to give it back tenfold.

If anything this last decade has taught me is to put myself first; the only way to love is to love yourself. I don't regret anything, I am just grateful for the experiences that made me realise I had work to do on my self.

I'm constantly reminded of the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" and with that I end off withthis - "to all the boys who ever liked me, thank you for the love, if anything it proved to me I was (am) worthy of love; and love myself wholeheartedly I shall!"

A bride, beautiful, regal but not yet ready

I love this picture depicting a bride in cross cultural attire - I call it marrying self; because I am my first love. The thing about first love(s) is that its never a past tense; and will forever be the most important relationship one has.

#toalltheboyswhoeverlikedme #selflove #acknowledgementandclosure #loveistheonlyway #selfpartnered